What Does “Being Single” Mean to Me?
At its core, this question is difficult for me. My feelings about being single change fairly frequently.
Sometimes daily; when I find out another friend is getting married. Sometimes from one minute to the next; scrolling my Instagram or Facebook feed. Sometimes not for months at a time; when I’m out enjoying the life I want to live, the way I want to live it.
Being single for me is more than just a status update. More than just a box you check off. It’s become a mindset. One I’ve grown into naturally. “Single” means “only one”. I’m an only child. I believe that fact has made me more comfortable with myself. I’m also an introvert. So being alone is more natural for me than being around a lot of people.
Some would say I’m too comfortable being alone. But I need space and time to rejuvenate, so I try to accept this personality trait in stride. Most of the time I succeed. Sometimes I fail miserably.
When I succeed, I like to think of myself as the producer, director and actor in the movie of my life. I’m able to come and go as I please. The money I make is my own. If I want that expensive new bag, I buy it. I love traveling to different countries, so I go…I have nothing holding me back from my dreams, save my own fears.
When I fail, there are nights of loneliness. Days of self-doubt. Moments of fear. There are nagging thoughts like, “Am I going to be alone forever?” “What’s wrong with me that I can’t find someone?” “Am I good enough?” “Am I worthy?”
Intellectually — I know the answers to all of those questions. No. Nothing. Yes. Absolutely.
But emotionally, it’s not that easy. One of my best friends just got engaged. She’s the last of my closest high school friends to take the leap. Now it’s just me, holding down the single fort. Another wedding alone. Self-pity came knocking. While my happiness for her is absolutely genuine, her engagement put my singleness in stark relief. Sometimes it feels like everyone’s life is moving forward but mine.
More than that though, it’s the little things about being single that are the hardest. When my dog is acting strange, there’s no one else to witness the quirks that only familiarity can reveal. If I get sick or hurt, I don’t have “my person” to lean on. If I need to hang a heavy picture, I don’t have help. All the little day to day things we deal with, I deal with alone.
So being single to me is a blessing and a curse. I love the autonomy it affords but I hate the loneliness it brings. I love my independence but I hate going to functions alone. I love that I can take care of myself but I hate always having to. The emotional struggle is real.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful support network with friends and family. I wouldn’t trade my independence and risk-taking nature for anything; because even when it’s hard, I know I’m living my life with purpose and having fun doing it. Single be damned.